A Russian region on the Volga River, roughly 550 miles east of Moscow, has announced that September 12th will be the Day of Conception and for the third straight year will give couples time off from work to engage in the act of baby-making.

The move is part of an effort to combat Russia’s birthrate crisis, as Russia covers 1/7th of the Earth’s surface but only sports 141.4 million citizens, making it one of the most sparsely populated countries. In fact, the population of Russia has been declining since the early 1990s.

Russian President Vladimir Putin announced last year cash incentives to families if they have more than one child. The program rewards women who give birth to a second child or subsequent children with certificates worth $10,000 USD.

Being a member of the machine that is the American economy — where every day off is a blessing — I envy the work schedules of most countries around the world. And while I’ve never really considered Russia on that list, this proposition certainly makes a case for it.

What do you say we, as members of the proletariat, push the American bourgeoisie for a day of copulation?

While some of you may read this and stare blankly at your computer, I have not stopped chuckling.

As some of you may know I’m in Los Angeles this week for business and I’m staying at one of the Hilton hotels. Tonight I was walking through the lobby and passed by an older man, probably 65 or so, and two older women of a similar age. As I walked passed the group of seniors the man says “we’re probably paying for Paris’ next get-out-of-jail free card.”

Given the context of where I am and the hotel I’m staying at, that is pure comedy.

How far would you go to get an iPhone? Would you start cutting back on your meal costs? Would you go out less frequently to save money on liquor? Would you work a little overtime or pick up a second job? How about a vasectomy? For one Gizmodo reader, the choice was simple.

(Image courtesy of Gizmodo)

Mr. Johnson — yes that’s his real name — was given a yearly budget by his wife, but unfortunately for him, by the time the iPhone came out in June he had already depleted it. Defying wife’s orders, he went out a purchased a 4GB iPhone from an AT&T store. Upon learning what her husband had done, Mrs. Johnson deemed his behavior “absolutely unacceptable” and forced him to return the beloved JesusPhone.

Over the next few days the wife noticed her husband’s depression and sought to make a deal. “How badly do you want the iPhone?” she asked him. “Badly,” Mr. Johnson replied to her. Knowing her husband was at his most vulnerable and conniving to fulfill her hidden agenda, the wife popped the question, “would you be willing to finally make that appointment for a vasectomy?”

Mr. Johnson is loving his 8GB iPhone.

Kudos to Mr. Johnson, as much as I love my iPhone, there’s no way I would ever take it this far. This gives a whole new meaning to “make the switch” to Mac…

Vince Vaughn is one of my favorite actors and has been at the top of the comedy game for much of this century. I think one could describe his humor as sarcastically derogatory — aka stuff guys love. As a tribute to Vaughn I have gone through many of his best films and pulled out his top 50 lines (IMO). For the sake of simplicity I have grouped them according to what movie they’re from, and the numbering system is merely a counter not a ranking as to try and rank these things would be next to impossible.

Since most of these movies are rated “R” I feel like I should throw out a little disclaimer here. So for those who get offended by profanity — excessive at times — please click elsewhere on the site.

Here now are the top 50 Vince Vaughn movie quotes:

The Break-Up

1. Gary: Is that how you want to play it? Cause I’ll play it like that. I’ll play it like Lionel Richie, all night long, lady. Oh yeah. I’ll call some guys from my neck of the woods. And we’re not talking about, Brooke, about a couple of queens who know a few grapples. We’re talking about Polacks that don’t have a goddamn future. That’s right. We can make shit real uncomfortable around here, and that’s what we’re going to do.

2. Gary: There’s a real big gap between getting your ass kicked and having a dancing, singing sprite fool you with trickery and then strike your throat before you even know you’re in a fight. But I wouldn’t expect someone like you to understand that, because all you do is make moves from up in your ivory tower.

3. Gary: Do you think there’s a chance your mom won’t love you anymore when she sees how badly you’re getting beaten right now?

4. Gary: “Band of Brothers”… you should rent it sometime

5. Gary: Please don’t touch my ruffles. Put that one back.

6. Gary: Listen, Lassie, and listen good. I’m not saying he’s not gonna get married. I’m not saying he’s not gonna have kids. If it does happen, his wife is gonna come home, and find him with his Tiajuana lover clubbing each other with Yanni’s greatest hits.

7. Gary: I’m the one who should be sorry, Brooke. I shouldn’t sit here and pick on your art, because you’ve got the ‘nuts’ down, Picasso! All you have to do is cut off your frigging ear.

8. Gary: No, I’m not crazy and a lot of times people go “Oh that’s crazy!” then they go “It’s genious!”. That’s what happened to the person who invented fire, they burned that witch and guess what, then they got warm and they ate good stuff.

Wedding Crashers

9. Jeremy Grey: That we’re all one. That separateness is an illusion, and that I’m one with everyone - with the Prime Minister of England, and my cousin Harry, you and me, the fat kid from ‘What’s Happening,’ the Olsen twins, Natalie Portman, the guy who wrote ‘Catcher in the Rye,’ Nat King Cole, Carrot Top, Jay-Z, Weird Al Yankovic, Harry Potter, if he existed, the whore on the street corner, your mother. We’re all one.

10. Jeremy Grey: That was my first Asian!

11. Jeremy Grey: [sigh] Janice, I apologize to you if I don’t seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don’t like the feeling. You’re sitting there, you’re wondering do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I talking too much, are they talking enough, am I interested I’m not really interested, should I play like I’m interested but I’m not that interested but I think she might be interested but do I want to be interested but now she’s not interested? So all of the sudden I’m getting, I’m starting to get interested… And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door cause then it’s awkward, it’s like well goodnight. Do you do like that ass-out hug? Where you like, you hug each other like this and your ass sticks out cause you’re trying not to get too close or do you just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don’t kiss them at all? It’s very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while you’re just really wondering are we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions? Perhaps play a little game called “just the tip”. Just for a second, just to see how it feels. Or, ouch, ouch you’re on my hair.

12. Jeremy Grey: [speaking to the priest] This girl’s fit for a strait-jacket. I mean she’s fucked three ways to the weekend. But you know what, Father? I dig it!

13. Jeremy Grey: [laughing pleasurably ] Oh, ha ha ha, he’s joking around. It feels so good when he jokes.

14. Jeremy Grey: Well snap out of it! What, a hot older women made you feel her cans? Stop crying like a little girl.

15. Jeremy Grey: Why don’t you try getting jacked off under the table in front of the whole damn family and have some real problems, jackass. Hey, what were they like anyway? They looked pretty good, are they real? Are they built for speed or comfort? What’d you do with them? Motorboat? You play the motorboat?
[makes sputtering motorboat noise]
Jeremy Grey: You motorboatin son of a bitch! You old sailor you! Where is she? She still in the house?

16. Jeremy Grey: Erroneous! Erroneous! Erroneous on both accounts!

17. Jeremy Grey: Yeah? Well, the proper girl in the hat just eye-fucked the shit out of me.

18. Jeremy Grey: I got a stage five. Virgin. Clinger.

19. Jeremy Grey: [Confessing to the priest] You wanna know what the kicker is, father? Maybe I’M a little fucking crazy. That’s right, maybe Jeremy’s a little nuts. Maybe there’s something about me that I’m a little cukoo. I know it’s a surprise, I know it’s not on the surface. I mean, I had an imaginary friend when I was kid, and his name was Shiloh! We used to play checkers with each other every day, and bless his heart, Shiloh would always let me win!

Mr. and Mrs. Smith

20. Eddie: [shouts] Mom! We are on high alert here. I almost killed you right then! You do not even realize!

Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

21. Wes Mantooth: Dorothy Mantooth is a Saint!

Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story

22. Peter La Fleur: Come on, Kate. It’s time to put your mouth where our balls are.

23. Peter La Fleur: I found that if you have a goal, that you might not reach it. But if you don’t have one, then you are never disappointed. And I gotta tell ya… it feels phenomenal.

24. Peter La Fleur: Hey, White. I didn’t think that Nazi camp got out until eight. Did you decide to skip arts and crafts?

25. Peter La Fleur: You’re adopted! Your parents don’t even love you!

26. Peter La Fleur: Hang on a second. You wanna become a cheerleader to prove you are not a loser?

27. Peter La Fleur: Absolutely. In some cases, there’s two somebodies for one person. I like to call that “the jackpot”.

Starsky & Hutch

28. Reese Feldman: Ya know, I believe it was our buddy Bill Shakespeare who said, “To err is human, but to forgive, well that’s right on.”

Old School

29. Beanie: Max, can you earmuff for me? We are going to get so much ass here, it’s going to be sick. I’m talking like crazy boy band ass.

30. Beanie: Alright, let me be the first to say congratulations to then. You get one vagina for the rest of your life. Real smart Frank. Way to work it through.

31. Beanie: Well why don’t you give me your number in case anything happens to my wife.

32. Beanie: Whoa. Whoa. Why the F-ing? Why in front of the kid? All ya gotta do is say “earmuffs” to him, and you can say “Fuck, shit, bitch.”
Frank: Cock. Balls.
Beanie: I’m just trying to make a point, Frank. You don’t have to celebrate it.

33. Beanie: Yeah, that’s it. I got a student alt rock band coming on next. Mitch, I own six speaker cities. I am worth three a half million dollars that the government knows about. I got more electronics up there than a damn KISS concert. you think I’m gonna roll out this type of red carpet for a fucking marching band? Just make sure you can see the stage.

34. Beanie: Six weeks ago Abdul here had a one way ticket to an arranged marriage with a broad he never met in Bangladesh. Now he’s crushing ass every Thursday night at our mixers.

35. Beanie: You think I like avoiding my wife and kids to hangout with nineteen year old girls everyday?

36. Beanie: Well, Columbus wasn’t looking for America, my man, but that turned out to be pretty okay for everyone.

37. Beanie: I have a wife and kids. Do I seem like a happy guy to you, Frank?

38. Beanie: [from a deleted scene] Can you do me a favor and tell Mitch it’s perfectly okay to have sex with a 17-year-old?

Made

39. Ricky Slade: Here’s 50 bucks, take this in case I get drunk and call you a bitch later.

Psycho

40. Norman Bates: We all go a little mad sometimes.

Swingers

41. Trent: And you got these fucking claws and these fangs, man! And you’re looking at your claws and you’re looking at your fangs. And you’re thinking to yourself, you don’t know what to do, man. “I don’t know how to kill the bunny.” With *this* you don’t know how to kill the bunny, do you know what I mean?

42. Trent: You’re so money and you don’t even know it!

43. Trent: All I do is stare at their mouths and wrinkle my nose, and I turn out to be a sweetheart.

44. Trent: I don’t want you to be the guy in the PG-13 movie everyone’s *really* hoping makes it happen. I want you to be like the guy in the rated R movie, you know, the guy you’re not sure whether or not you like yet. You’re not sure where he’s coming from. Okay? You’re a bad man. You’re a bad man, Mikey. You’re a bad man, bad man.

45. Trent: There’s nothing wrong with letting the girls know that you’re money and that you want to party.

46. Trent: Hey! What’re you kicking me for? You want me to ask? All right, I’ll ask! Ma’am, where do the high school girls hang out in this town?

47. Trent: Oh Mikey you don’t want all that “Pirates Of The Caribbean” horseshit, or the “Rock and Roll Grunge Tip”. Guys like you and me gotta kick it here, old school.

48. Trent: Like fuckin’ House of Pain was gonna do anything?

49. Trent: I’m the asshole is this place, right? I’m the asshole? I’m outta here! I’m not eating here… I wouldn’t eat here… I’d never eat here anyway!

50. Trent: Score Chicago!
Sue: Fuck! Such fuckin’ bullshit!
Trent: [Trent hits the instant replay] Now that was pretty Sue…
Sue : Man, don’t do the instant replay thing…
Trent: No way, you said it was fuckin’ bullshit.
Sue: Don’t do the fucking…
Trent: Well that’s why they put the instant replay in the fucking game! So you can see if it’s bullshit!
Sue: You’re unbelieveable.
Trent: Well you know something, I am unbelievable.
Sue: [Trent shoves Sue] Don’t fucking touch me.
Trent: When I’m not here will you practice?

Feel free to chime in with which ones are your faves or add any that I may have missed.

On Monday I wrote about how my iPhone broke and needed to be sent to Apple for repair. I mentioned that Apple said I would receive my iPhone on Wednesday or Thursday. Apple lied…but not how you may think. You see, they were correct about the Wednesday or Thursday part, as I did get mail from Apple Thursday evening. Where they were wrong, however, is that I didn’t get my iPhone, at least not the one that was sent to them.

As it turns out, the ear piece malfunction with my iPhone was a real issue that Apple didn’t know how to fix, so they just opted to send me a brand new one in return. Not too shabby a deal if you ask me. Here are some pictures from the iPhone replacement unboxing:

1) Package from Apple

2) Instructions for iPhone SIM Card removal

3) AppleCare iPhone Service Agreement

4) Box to send loaner iPhone back and box containing new iPhone

5) Brand new iPhone…ta-da!

And for those of you keeping score at home, yes, I currently have two iPhones. Look how pretty they are:

Unfortunately this double-iPhone-fisting scenario won’t last for long, as good ‘ole Steve and the rest of the Cupertino crew would like to have their loaner back, lest my credit card get charged $600. No thanks.

For those who still do not have an iPhone and may be upset with me for having two, I won’t mention any names, allow me to offer up some LOLCAT iPhone humor to brighten up your day a bit…

Baby-faced 18-year-old Brit Carys Copestake has offered her virginity for over $20,000 to help her pay tuition costs for her four-year physics course at Salford University. She used a false name to advertise herself on prostitute Web sites in an effort to keep her parents in the dark about the whole debacle.

The ad on the Web site read as follows: “Virginity For Sale £10,000.” In the description of the ad, Copestake wrote the following:

“Hey, I think the title says it all. I’m an 18-year-old virgin with student funds to pay and I’m looking to sell my first time right here. I’m brunette, 34C, green eyes, all in proportion and good looking.”

In an interview with a reporter, she said that she had been getting curious about the opposite sex and wanted to explore with someone to teach her, and that she found herself in a financial situation and this presented an opportunity to kill two birds with one stone.

After conversations with the reporter who was skeptical as to whether she was truly a virgin or just trying to deceive potential buyers, Copestake announced that she had found a buyer her first customer.

“I’ve been offered the money in cash and I’m going to do it this Thursday. Sorry I’m at work so I can’t speak any more.”

While this story certainly has an amusing factor to it, it’s also very unfortunate at the same time. I crossed out “a buyer” and replaced it with “her first customer” because in effect what she has done is gone and made herself a prostitute. Posting anonymous ads on Web sites with descriptions describing all of your physical attributes in an effort to attract a buyer for sex is clear cut prostitution. But I don’t think we can blame the girl completely, sure she is responsible for her actions, but let’s consider the circumstances of a young girl struggling to pay for university. Has our global society put such an important emphasis on attaining a college degree that now women are willing to become prostitutes just to get one? Unfortunately I think the answer to that question might be yes, although it certainly shouldn’t be, because the stark reality is that a college degree doesn’t do half of what it used to for graduates.

Something very strange happened to me yesterday while I was at work. I saw — for only the second time in my life — a Microsoft Zune in the wild. I had my iPhone out and was showing it to various co-workers who inquired when all of a sudden one of them pulled out a brown Zune and placed it on the table directly in front of my iPhone.

As I looked at the Zune I couldn’t help but notice the iPhone reflection off of the Zune’s display and I thought to myself, wow, that is probably the best thing anyone has ever seen on a Zune…

In the spirit of iPhone day, here is Comedy Central’s Stephen Colbert reviewing the iPhone he didn’t get:

I came across this little display on the street the other day in New York City. Love the cartoon Cheney figure holding a shotgun. Never did like that monkey…

Yesterday I received an email from “Aicha Malik,” a 21-year-old citizen of the Ivory Coast, asking me if I would accept $9 million on “her” behalf. This is at least the second or third such email I’ve received, with the other two coming from Nigerians. Here is the email in its entirety:

Aicha Malik (aicmalik@yahoo.fr) wrote:
Hello ,
Good a thing to write you. I have a proposal for
you-this however is not mandatory nor will I in

any manner compel you to honour against your will.
I am Aicha ,21years old and the only daughter of my
late parents Mr.and Mrs..Mailk My father was a highly
reputable business magnet-(a cocoa merchant)who operated in
the capital of Ivory coast during his days.
It is sad to say that he passed away mysteriously in France
during one of his business trips abroad year 12th.Febuary
2000.Though his sudden death was linked or rather suspected
to have been masterminded by an uncle of his who travelled
with him at that time.
But God knows the truth!
My mother died when I was just 4 years old,and since then
my father took me so special. Before his death
on Febuary 12 2000 he called the secretary who accompanied
him to the hospital and told him that he has the sum of
nine million,United State
Dollars.(USD$9000 000) left in one
of the private security and trust company
He further told his lawyer that he deposited the money in my
name,and finally issued a written instruction to his lawyer
whom he said is in possession of all the necessary but
legal documents to this consignment and the company.
I am just 21 years old and a university undergraduate and
really don’t know what to do.Now I want an a partner overseas
where I can transfer this funds. This is because I have
suffered a lot of set backs as a result of incessant
political crisis here in Ivory coast.The death of my father
actually brought sorrow to my life.
Sir,I am in a sincere desire of your humble assistance in
this regards.Your suggestions and ideas will be highly
regarded.
Now permit me to ask these few questions:-
1. Can you honestly help me as your daughter or sister?
2. Can I completely trust you?
3. What percentage of the total amount in question will
be good for you after the money is in your account?
Please,Consider this and get back to me as soon as
possible.
Thank you so much.
My sincere regards,
Aicha… mailk

The question looming in my mind is why do so many Africans want to give me $9 million? Certainly the money would be much better off with them, where they could enjoy it; or in their country, where they could put it to good use if they really want to unload $9 million that badly. Africa is stricken with poverty and diseases such as AIDS, imagine if all of these $9 million wielders gave their money to good causes such as AIDS prevention and treatment; Africa would be a lot better off.

So please, keep the money, put it to good use. While $9 million could certainly brighten up my day, I’m not inclined to take anything from someone who continuously misspells their own name (I hope you’ve been picking up on the sarcasm of this post). I mean come on guys, certainly you can come up with better schemes than this horribly outdated foolishness.

If spammers are said to reside in the bottom depths of hell, then these Internet scam-artists are pounding on the door trying to join them.